


Muscle Bone & Blood

by Patricia_Highsmithfan



Category: Carol (2015), The Price of Salt - Patricia Highsmith
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-23 16:42:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11993808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patricia_Highsmithfan/pseuds/Patricia_Highsmithfan
Summary: Therese Belivet is trying hard to get over Carol. After two years without hearing from her, she decides it is time to start dating other people. But opening herself will put her in contact with all the pain she had managed to hide.The fic tittle comes from the song by the amazing Mia Doi Todd: https://youtu.be/ZGCfqbJvYUAI hope you enjoy the ride.





	1. She wasn’t you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SimplySally](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SimplySally/gifts).



Last week I went on a date with a girl I met on Tinder… can you believe it? It has been only 2 years since you sent me that letter. Are you sure you were letting me go? Was that really a goodbye? I fooled myself for a long time imagining you coming back to me. I don’t anymore. I date girls I met on dating apps… or boys. Speaking of boys, Dannie came to my birthday this year. It was a big surprise for me. I thought he was still hurt. I thought he would never come close again. But, no… he went there with a copy of One Hundred Years of Solitude. I couldn’t read it yet. I’m not ready for Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Not now. Not in this moment of my life. I thanked him. He said he couldn’t stay. I wish he could. I wish I still had him in my life. Do you remember what you used to say about him? Why would you do that? You always managed to find all kinds of flaws in the boys I dated. You would say they don’t deserve me. Who was good enough for me, hun? Who will ever be? You certainly wasn’t. How clever. You always knew how to make me feel special. Being the goddess you are and saying you don’t deserve me supposed to elevate my self-esteem? Well, it didn’t work. Not after you disappeared of my life as if I meant nothing. 

The date with the Tinder girl didn’t go well, in case you are wondering… No, she was nice, she was beautiful, the conversation was ok. There was a point that I actually thought “this can work”. Who was I kidding? She wasn’t you. She will never be. No one will ever be. 

Remember that trilogy I made you watch a hundred times? the protagonist, Celine, said in Before Sunrise: “I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have... their own, specific qualities. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.”

I love Celine with her sensitivity. I know she is only a film character… but I wish I could be her friend, you know? I think we would have a million conversations about life. She would understand this hole you left inside me. You don’t seem to understand it. Or do you? See, here I am again trying to make you feel guilt. That has always been the dynamics of our relationship, right? I would complain about you not giving me the attention I needed. You would agree with me and say I deserve better. I would feel even worse and cry with the thought of you leaving me. You would disappear for a few days. But you would always return, right when I would start to move on. You would return with that smile of yours that always made time go still. And that eyes of yours that I’m pretty sure that could see right into my soul. I felt bare around you. So vulnerable. I’ve never felt like that again. I don’t think I can. I can never trust anyone again. How can I? 

The other day I was in one of the many group therapies that I go to and the therapist said that no love can ever replace the first love. We can never replace the first love and we can never feel something as big ever in life. Isn’t that sad? We’ll spend the rest of our lives trying to feel that again. And we will never.

I slowly try to accept that. That I will never replace you. That I will never forget you. That I will never be as happy as I was when we were together. And that you will never come back. I try to accept that. And I try to move on. Please, help me to move on. There is a part of me begging you to release me and there is another part of me crying hard and begging you to come back to me. Can you hear both voices? Which one will you choose to answer?


	2. I wish I was special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therese mets Genevieve.

"Hi! Therese?"

The girl seemed familiar, but I was sure I hadn't seen her before.

"Hi"

"I'm Genevieve! We've spoken on the phone some time ago."

"Sure! Hi, Genevieve! Nice to finally meet you!"

I offered her an awkward hug, but she pulled me for a whole body embrace. I could feel her breasts against mine and I could smell her hair. My heart accelerated a little bit. I had trouble to breathe. Alright, she will release me eventually. Be cool, Therese.

She finally let me go, but not before looking into my eyes and smiling, as if she had just told me a secret. 

"So … have you find?"

"I'm sorry, have I find what?"

"A roommate... I was so tempted to move in with you, such a beautiful place you had there. But I couldn't... you know, I had just moved into the city, I needed a place more affordable ... and closer to work."

"I completely understand! Unfortunately I did not find a roommate. I had to leave that house."

"Oh, no! And where are you living now?"

"I'm in a big house with four young people, can you believe it? That people over there!"

Marina, Alex, David and Manu were in the dance floor making some weird moves. 

"Oh, they are young... and how is that going?"

"Well, it's temporary. I usually work the whole day and when I get home I go directly to my room. But it is nice, I mean... I needed a time trying to be more sociable. I wouldn't be here if they hadn't dragged me. I can't even remember the last party I've been. If I was living alone, I'd probably be lying in my couch under a blanket with a bucket of popcorn and a mug of hot chocolate watching movies."

"That sounds good."

"It does... doesn't it? Maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all."

She gave this very heart-warm laugh that reminded me of you. I find so rare to meet people who think what I say is funny.

We got silent for a while. She kept staring at me. "Now it is time for our talent show" the DJ announced. I took that as a chance to get out of that uncomfortable situation. It's not that I wasn't enjoying her company. The thing is I was enjoying it a bit too much. "Our first talent is Marina!!!"

"That's my friend over there."

"I see... you probably should go sit there in the front row. Offer your support and all.”

"Probably."

"It was nice meeting you, Therese."

"Nice meeting you!”

Now it was my time to stare. I couldn’t help. She had this big light brown eyes. Like honey. And her smile was that kind of smile, you know? A smile that you just don’t know how you supposed to respond to. 

“How did you know it was me? We had just spoken on the phone, I didn't say anything before you said my name, so it wasn't my voice that you recognized."

"I don't know. I just felt it was you."

"Oh!"

She gave that heart-warm laugh again. 

"Phil showed me a picture of you."

"You know Phil."

"Yeah... he was the one who gave me your number back then. He told me you were looking for a roommate."

"I thought you had seen the post on the Facebook." 

"No. I hadn't. How can I find you on Facebook?"

"Therese Belivet"

She picked up her phone. "How do you spell it?"

"Therese with S and a E and Belivet, B-E-L-I-V-E-T."

"Therese Belivet! It's very original!"

What the hell! What is up with this girl using your lines? Why does she keep reminding me of you? I must get away from here now.

"I'll go to my friends then... see you"

"See you!"

Marina was singing beautifully, but I couldn't pay attention to it. My mind kept taking me back to the girl. She had come with Jack. I wonder if they are together. But she was definitely flirting with me. I know. I'm so clueless with this things, but this time I could feel it. 

Shit. She saw me looking at her. I pretended I was looking for someone else, then I shift my attention back to Marina.

I kept replaying our conversation in my head, trying to find out if I had imagined the flirting. It doesn’t make sense to me, you know? People who are with someone and flirt with others. Some people are just like that, right? It doesn’t mean anything… They just like to feel admired, they just like to feel that seduction power.

You are like this. When I first noticed that, I thought I was so stupid for feeling I was special. We were at Bia’s birthday lunch and you were talking to Janine. I had gone to the restroom and when I went back, you were talking to her. Totally flirting. “She does that to everyone” I concluded. We hadn’t even kissed yet and I suddenly got very insecure. I thought I had misinterpret all your signs. I thought I was making a fool of myself by the way I was responding to your flirting. “I must be a joke to her. An experiment.” I thought you were laughing at me while coming up with strategies. “How can I make this shy girl open herself to me?” Then I thought you probably would share your achievements with Abby. God, I’ve always been madly jealous of Abby. I thought all that in that fraction of second walking that restaurant hall towards our table. I was ready to get there, pick up my purse and tell you I was gonna take a cab home. But then you saw me in the corner of your eyes and you gave me that smile of yours and blinked as if you were telling me a secret. I got out from my insecure zone immediately. I set there at your side and you whispered in my ear “Can we please get out of here now? I’m done pretending. My mask needs some rest”. You would tell me all the time that you could only be your true self with me, only when we were alone. Just the two of us. I felt so special. Was I really special to you, Carol? Or was it just one of your seduction tricks? How many girls have you called “special” in your life? Are you calling anyone special right now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?  
> Were Genevieve flirting with Therese?  
> Were Therese really special to Carol? Is she still?


	3. Today I thought of you

Today I thought of you.

I just watched a movie about a couple of artists living together in an abandoned shed. I can't tell you much about the story, because it was more about a sensory experience. I’m not sure in which point it hit me. I think it was in this scene that the woman was dancing alone. I could feel her pain. I could feel my pain. And I thought of you.

There is this point inside of me that is still hidden. Since you left me, I’ve dressed up with many layers of indifference to keep me away from everyone. To protect my heart. Since you left me, I’ve only shown little glimpses of my real self to people. The one you met is hidden inside. And I’ve started to miss her. I miss this person I’ve been one day. I miss the way I used to love you. I miss the way I could open myself so much to you. I miss my spontaneity. I miss myself. At times I thought she had ceased to exist. I thought that the moment you left, you had taken her with you. Or that you had left her in a corner to die. But it was not you. You left me and I left her. I could not bear to feel. I could not bear to feel what she could feel. It is deep. It is strong. It is heavy. It hurts.

So, I cried a little more. A lot more. But this time was different. I could feel the strings being loosened in every tear that ran down my face. And then I would cry more thinking that I wasn’t ready to let you go. I still don’t want to let you go. But you’re gone. There’s no doubt about that. Whether I let or not, the thing is... you’ve already gone. This is so obvious. And your silence speaks volumes. So loud I can’t take it.

I dial your number once more. One last time. One final test. You answer the phone.

“Hello”

Your voice travels softly, breaking every walls that were left inside me.

“Carol?”

Silence. 

That's that. 

I know you are there. I can hear your breath.

Nothing.

I can’t believe you won’t talk to me. Why not? Are you two really back together? Why not call me in another time? Just find a place and time to say something to me. Why this torture of never telling me your reasons? Why let me spend months wondering what the hell was wrong with me? I know you have Rindy. I know you’ve always felt entrapped by the choices you had already made before we met. But I always had this romantic idea that our love was stronger. That love could overcome everything. 

People do not make sacrifices for love in real life. I've learned that the hardest way. You would call me naive in every opportunity you have. As if I was yet to learn what "real life" is about. I guess I have learned. I've finally learned. Thank you!

"Good bye, Carol"

The rest of the tears flow freely through my face, I can no longer hold. I do not want to hold it anymore. I let it go. I let you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I thought of how nothing   
> ever feels the same
> 
> Today is the day I think of you  
> https://youtu.be/3oKhdWCIRRo
> 
> The inspirational movie:  
> https://goo.gl/sCJFQz


	4. Just like heaven

Lens, batteries, memory card. Good. I didn’t forget anything. This bag is not big enough. Maybe I should take just the 50mm. No, I guess I will need a zoom during the ceremony. God, I’m nervous. Who told them I was a photographer? I’ve never photographed this kind of event before. What if I screw up and miss an important shot. It’s not my studio, I can’t just ask to do it again. But I do need the money. I’ll just have to remember to breath.

I closed my trunk and walked into the building. There were a few people having lunch. I know some of them, but as usual, I pretended I didn’t see them. I just need to find the girl who hired me and listen to the instructions.

I didn’t find her anywhere, so I sat in a bench under a tree, outside the big hall where the ceremony would take place. It was a graduation from a therapy course. I probably know some of the people who will get out of here as new therapists today. I bet some of the girls who go to the meditation center were studying here. I ended up talking about you in the sessions. That can’t be good. Even when I want to focus on my career, I ended up talking about you. Maybe I will change my therapist to someone who can actually help me to move on.

“Therese?”

“Genevieve? Hi!”

“Hi! Are you photographing the ceremony?”

“Yes! Yes, I am”

“They told us they hired this great sensitive photographer, I didn’t know it was you”

“Are you one of the graduates?”

“Yes! Finally! I’ll get out of here today as a therapist”

“That’s nice. I thought you were in the first year, since you moved here in the beginning of this year.”

“No, I spent almost the entire course traveling here to come to the classes”

“Wow! I hope it was worth it”

“It was… it has been a life changing experience”

“I bet it was… I would never thought of you as a therapist”

“I would never thought of me as a therapist” She laughed.

“I do know you are an artist”

“Is that so?”

“Yes, I’ve seen your work on Facebook”

“So, you do see my posts on Facebook”

“Sorry, I never interact, right? I just...”

“I love everything you write… even if it is just about the weather…” She smiled. “And I love your pictures, of course.”

We stared at each other for a while.

“Gen, you are not ready! We will start in 10.” Lu shouted getting closer.

“Sorry, I’ll hurry. I came to get my bag and I found Therese” Gen said looking and smiling at me.

“Hi Therese! Is everything ok? Do you need anything? We will start in 10 minutes. The girls are getting ready. You may start to photograph if you want.”

“Sure”

Gen waved me entering the ladies room with her bag.

I took some pictures of Lu starting to organize a line. The girls were radiant. A class of almost 30 and there were only 6 guys graduating. I just realized I never had a male therapist. Maybe I should try that.

A woman started to put some blindfold on the graduates that were in line. I took some pictures of each of them. Close-ups. They were beautiful. Some of them a bit apprehensive,  
some with shining smiles. It must have been a great journey for them. Four years diving deep into healing themselves to then become healers.

I was photographing one by one in alphabetical order as I moved in the line. Soon it was Gen’s turn. She was already blindfolded. Wow, she was beautiful. She had changed into a beautiful dress. She put some make-up and a pink gloss on her lips. I took the advantage of being able to see her without she notice my presence. I watched her for a while, then I took the first shot. She must have heard the click, because she curl her lips into that smile of hers. I took a few more pictures of her from different angles. She has such a beautiful skin. And her mouth is just perfect. I took a super close from her mouth. Maybe I shouldn’t put this picture in the album.

Soon after they finished blindfolding everyone in line, a woman picked them by the hand and walked them inside. The ceremony was beautiful. I might have missed a few moments that I wanted to click, but I guess I did ok. Then they moved to another building where the celebration party was starting.

I took some pictures of the graduates sitting with their families. Gen waved at me and after a moment she came closer.

“Hey, Therese”.

“Hi, Gen”

“Would you take a picture of me and my aunt?”

“Sure. Where do you prefer? Maybe next to that tree?”

“Yes, great idea. I will call her”.

She went to call her aunt and I took their picture. She smiled and winked at me as she walked her aunt back to their table.

There were some musical and artistic presentations in the main stage.

I was a bit out of place for most of the night, but I guess I got to do a good job. Lu came to thank me and said I should have dinner and enjoy the rest of the night.

The DJ put some music and people went to the dance floor. I observed from outside. I had done my job, it was time to go home.

The DJ put Just Like Heaven by The Cure and someone yield “Uhu! That’s my favorite!”. I turned to see Genevieve running to the center of the dance floor. “Come on, Gen! You asked the DJ to put this music? You are the only one here who likes this 80’s crap!” “That’s The Cure, darling! Real music, not the noise you put as an excuse to move your butt! Have some respect!”

I like this girl! I considered going there and dance with her. I love The Cure, of course. And so do you… Remember the first time you gave me a ride? It was playing this song when you turned on your radio. 

“Oh, don’t change! I love this song!”

“Of course I won’t change! I love The Cure too!!!”

“Go figure!”

“What? You didn’t think I listen to The Cure?” 

“Why are you so far away". You sang along.

My heart skipped a beat as I waited for you to sing the next verse.

You didn’t of course. You winked and smiled. I melted. The unspoken words screaming loudly in our hearts. We didn’t have to say anything. It was all there in every particle that danced between us inside that car.

I suddenly remembered where I was. Gen was “spinning on that dizzy edge”. I watched her laugh as my tears started to pour. 

Next thing I know, I was running to my car. I left without even saying goodbye. You won again, Carol. It was not today that I could move a step towards getting over you. Will I ever?


	5. We are in silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will she like me?

She smiled at me as soon as she got there. I was right in front of the entrance. A big sign “WE ARE IN SILENCE” right next to me. I was collecting people’s signatures. I had already seen her name, but I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal. It had been three months after the graduation when I photographed her class. We hadn’t met after that. She signed her name and looked at me. She said a silent “hi” and smiled. I smiled back.

“What was that?” 

I knew my friend would notice it. 

“What was what?”

“You know what I’m talking about”

“Shut up, Sally. This is a silence retreat and we are in the reception!”

“You’ll tell me everything later!”

I couldn’t see with whom she was with. This silence retreat is not public announced. She must know someone from the organization. 

After everyone entered the mediation center, we were told to close the reception. As usual, our seats were saved. And of course, they had save me a seat right next to Genevive’s.   
I took a deep breath and put my blanket in the chair. She had already her eyes closed, but I knew she had sensed my presence when I sat.

I couldn’t concentrate. I would close my eyes and my mind would wander to Genevive’s smell. I would open my eyes a little and focus on her long fingers. When I finally gave up trying, I just started the stupidest inner dialogue. 

Why am I like this? I don’t even want to feel like this. This is not what I’m looking for, especially not here. I have other questions to deepen. I don’t even want to think about this. I’m not ready. This is ridiculous. She doesn’t even… I don’t know if she likes girls. Why does she look at me like that? Gosh. I hate this vulnerability. Stop thinking about her. Stop thinking about her. I should give up. Carol was my first and only love. It didn’t work. It is not for me. I can’t deal with that. I just can’t. I will shut this mind up. Now. Ommmmmmm. Ommmmmm. Ohmmmmmm. It is not working. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shivaya. Om Namah Shivaya. This is torture! God, why do you do this to me? How am I attracting this? Do I like to torture myself? Shit! Dammit self responsibility! I preferred when I could blame God. I don’t think I can bare stay here the whole session. Would she notice if I asked someone to change my seat? Maybe I could say that I need to be near Sally because we always sit together, because sometimes we need to do something for the reception or we talked right after the session about the responsibilities and it doesn’t make any sense. I should just forget that she is here or that I’m feeling insecure and vulnerable and with all that stupid expectations that just always made me feel miserable afterwards. I just… there’s nothing here.  
That was me pretty much me the whole 10 hours of meditation. Yeah, I go to silence retreats that last 10 hours. Sometimes even more. I started a few months after we broke up. Actually we never broke up, I mean, after you disappeared from my life. I had tried therapy. And I still go to, but I would still spend the week miserable waiting for the next session. I thought about increasing the number of sessions by week, but my therapist suggested me to start taking mediation classes. It was of good help. I’ve learned quickly. I do it daily. And sometimes I volunteer here in this meditation center. It is good to take the day to just be quiet. Not today though… God, I just wish I could move on. I wish I could meet someone unattached, single, available, free! I can’t pass through all that again. 

I’ve opened my eyes again and took a look at Genevive. She was beautiful. It was a bit cold, so she was wrapped in the blanket. I could see just her face. Her beautiful face.   
What if she is the one? Can she make me happy? Does she like girls? Will she like me? Does she find me attractive? What kind of books does she read? 

When we heard the bell again, everyone opened their eyes. I turned the other way. I just, I thought that it was written in my forehead “Gevevive I like you”. I had to hide it.  
I took a breath and turned to her. She was stand, talking to Lu. She is also a therapist who was in the graduation, she must be the one who invited her here.

I decided that I should go outside, take a walk. Think about everything. I got to the conclusion that I was definitely projecting. This girl is someone I just met, I know nothing about her. I don’t want to make a full of myself. I should just stop with all this fantasy.

I walked a little and thought that maybe just say hello would be polite. But then I just couldn’t find her anywhere. I just thought that she had left and I lost my chance.  
That’s it! That’s what I do. I think too much. I lose opportunities.

I finally found her near the kitchen. She was alone. It was my chance. 

I took tentative steps towards her. 

“Hello. I don’t think we have met”

Shit! Tommy got to her first. Shit! Shit! Shit! It is just the sort of thing he would do. He does that to everyone that comes here! Come on, Genevive, you are more special than that! You are seriously enjoying this conversation about working out?

I just took an apple and stay around. I could hear Tommy’s voice, but not hers. With my luck, he must have already asked her out. She will say yes. They will get together. Tommy is a womanizer, but he will fall for her. They will get married and live happily ever after. 

I heard him inviting her to run this week. Really? Go run? He is changing his approach. I didn’t hear her answer. Probably yes, because Tommy was looking as if he just had a home run. 

That’s it for me. I spend near three years without feeling attracted to anyone and when I finally feel something, Tommy Tucker gets to her first! I don’t know what forces of the Universe has brought all of us here together, but it definitely is punishing me for something. What did I do?

I was walking back when I heard her.

“Therese!”

“Oh, hi!”

“It’s nice to see you here!”

“Yes, I come here…”

“I was a bit afraid… you know, people say the first time is hard”

“Well, the fifth, the sixth, the seventh may be hard too”

She laughed.

“And what was it for you today?”

“I don’t know… I come here regularly for about a year and a half.”

“I was thrill when I saw you in the reception”

“Really?”

“Sure! It is good to find some faces I know. I felt more protected. You know, I always think that I might get crazy in places like this”

I laughed.

“Can’t this just happen anywhere?”

“Sure! Probably happens more often in the city. But the idea of spending a whole day just listening to what goes inside my head was just too frightening for me… maybe your head is not that scary”

“It can be sometimes… and how did it go?”

“I survive…”

I got silent. Shit. Say something. Say something. It is getting awkward.

“You know, I couldn’t see the pictures that you took yet.”

“How come? I already sent them to Lu”

“I know. It is me… I’m terrible at technology. I couldn’t download it”

“Oh… I may save them in a pendrive to you”

“Can you? That would be great!”

“Yes. Sure”

We stared at each other again. We’ve just spent 10 hours in silence, why is this silence so uncomfortable?

“So, I ended up never getting to know your dream house near the waterfalls”.

“Yes, unfortunately you didn’t even go look at it. I’m sure you would have changed your mind. I’m living there again, you know?”

“Near the waterfalls?? You are no longer living with the four teenagers?”

I laughed.

“No. I’m living alone. I will try find a new roommate soon, but for now is just me”

“Oh… But I still can’t live there. No car yet”

“You don’t have to live there to enjoy the waterfalls, you know? You can visit me sometimes. I can pick you up”

“I want to”

“Cool”

“I really do! I want to go visit you!”

“Ok, we talk later and find a day we are both free”

“I don’t have my phone here, but I will ask your number in Facebook, ok?”

“Sure”

“Look, I must go. My ride must be looking for me”

“You came here with Lu, right?”

“Yes, she invited me”

“Ok. I must go home too”

“So, you are going up to the parking lot too?”

“Yeah… let’s walk”

“Are you cold?”

She embraced me with her blanket and we walked up really near each other. This time in a comfortable silence.

“Good bye Therese, I hope I can really go visit you sometime soon”

“Me too. We’ll make it happen”

She hugged me tied.

“You know, I’m really happy that you were here, I really like you”

“Me too”

I went home driving my car and my mind could finally focus on a single mantra “I really like you. I really like you. I really like you…”


	6. Is this a date?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A small chapter where Therese and Genevieve make the arrangements for their "date".

I didn't had to ask for her number on the Facebook, she was added in the whatsapp group of the meditation center in the next day. I wondered if she had looked for me in the group. Was she just being polite and I'm here being silly thinking that she really meant that about visiting me? Does she even remember our conversation?  
  
I opened my whatsapp and stared at her number… Add contact. G-E-N-E-V-I-E-V-E. OK  
  
T: Hi, it's Therese from the Meditation Center...  
  
_No_  
  
T: Hi, it's Therese Belivet  
  
_No_  
  
T: Hi, it's me. Would you like to come visit me this Saturday?  
  
_Never mind_  
  
G: Hello, Therese! I'm just contacting you so we can have each other's number and maybe we can find a day for that visit to happen. I hope you didn't forget! ;) Have a nice week!  
  
Shit! Did I send any of the messages? How did she? How did? Right now? She sends me this right now that I'm with my window opened rehearsing those silly texts? Was she watching my "typing" and "deleting" saga? How pathetic! And now I'm just taking way too long to write back. Come on, just be casual, Therese. You can do it!  
  
T: Hi, Genevieve! I was just about to send you a message.  
  
G: What a coincidence!  
  
T: It is, isn't it?  
  
G: Some call it destiny!  
  
_Is she mocking me or flirting with me?_  
  
T: But yes, I didn't forget the promises I made when I was sort of drunk  
  
T: Maybe “drunk” is not a good word - Heresy! :)  
  
G: LOL. Drunk is not a good word... maybe “with altered senses”  
  
T: altered senses! that's it! Or acute senses  
  
G: Acute senses, very much indeed  
  
T: I'm free this Saturday. How about you?  
  
G: Yes! I'm free this Saturday! What time should we meet?  
  
T: Maybe we could meet some place in the city for lunch and then come to my place.  
  
G: That sounds great. Or we can just buy some ingredients and I can cook for you. You know, I'm a great cooker! I used to work in the Souen.  
  
_What does it mean? What's the Souen? Please, uncle google, quickly!_  
  
T: Oh, that fancy vegan restaurant in NY?  
  
G: It's not that fancy, but yes, it is very well recommended.  
  
T: What a great curriculum you have! Yes, maybe you can cook if you don't mind. Tell me what you will need.  
  
G: I don't know… don't worry about it… we go together in the supermarket. We think about something simple.  
  
T: Yeah… I'm talking about kitchenware, pans, things like that.  
  
G: Oh, I didn't realise it would give this much trouble. We can eat some place else.  
  
T: No! That's a great opportunity for me to buy all those things that I'm putting off.  
  
G: All right. I'll make a list.  
  
T: Great! I'll wait for your list. As we may have notice it, I'm a disaster in the kitchen.  
  
G: No problem! I will do the cooking, you will be my assistant!  
  
T: Deal! I'll do what you say. You give the orders and I obey.  
  
G: Oh, I can enjoy this kind of power.  
  
T: Can you?  
  
G: Yes, very much indeed.  
  
T: Are we still talking about cooking?  
  
G: cooking… eating… enjoying desert…  
  
_What do I say to that? I lost the timing…_  
  
G: See you Saturday, Therese!  
  
T: See you!  
  
Well, it is really happening… God, this place is a mess! Three months living here and I still haven't unboxed everything yet. This living room… I can't hang out with her here… I should at least buy some cushions to put on the carpet.  
  
I think I should move this couch to the other bedroom and we could hang out there… watch some movies… what will we do? Should I plan something? Is this a date?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think? Is it going to be a date? What is up with this Genevieve?


	7. That’s terrifying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therese and Gen have lunch and talk about some terrifying things, like romance.

T: Sorry, I’m a little late. I can’t find the address.

G: Where are you now? There’s a supermarket on my right.

T: Oh, I see you.

Gen got in the car. 

“Hello, Therese”.

“Hi, Gen”

I hesitated to get closer to give her a hug. Gen sensed it and gave me a peck on the cheek. 

“Hi”

“Sorry, I took a bit longer to get here. Are you hungry? Maybe we should let this whole cooking thing for another day and just go to a restaurant.”

“Yeah, maybe you are right. But I do want to cook for you someday”

I smiled. 

There was a restaurant near where I picked her. We sat there in silence for a while.

“Therese, do you want to go to India with me?”

“Oh, I don’t know. When will you go?”

“In the end of the year, probably. But it is good to buy the tickets a lot sooner, so I’m planning already.”

“Well, I’m not sure if I will be able to leave my job in February. How long will you stay there?”

“About a month.”

“Hmm, I’ll think about it. I’m still decorating my house, I had a lot of expenses this month. I’m not sure if I can make a international trip any time soon.”

“How is your house? You must love living there, right? If only I had a car… Actually before even buying a car, I still have to renew my license. I got fucked up by my ex. She bought a car in my name and got a lot of traffic tickets and now I lost my license.”

And I was a little surprised by the way she said it.

“Yeah, I’ve been married to a woman”.

We talked about other things and when I was driving home, she asked very directly “How long have you been single? When was your last relationship?”

I wasn’t ready to talk about you just yet. Can we called what we had a “relationship” anyway? But she has this thing, a therapist thing, I just opened myself to her right away… 

“Well, I believe that last time must have been a couple of lives ago, because I don’t have any memory of relationships in the last life”.  
She laugh a little, but gave me this look… 

“Are you serious? Why is that?” 

“I don’t know… I guess I’m afraid, I don’t let people come too close, I push people away… I fall in love when it is an impossible love and I do stupid things when I meet someone with whom I can have a real relationship. ”

“Really, like what?”

“I tell all that I’m feeling in the beginning, when the person is not ready to hear, you know? And they run away, as if I’m demanding a commitment. But it is not. It’s just me afraid of my own feelings, opening them up to the person too soon. And they run away and I convince myself that they didn’t deserve me.”

“You know what I do? I start talking about other guys. I’m interested in the guy and I start talking about another guy to him. Isn’t that stupid?”

“So you go out with guys too. You are bisexual”

“I guess… I have dated only this woman with whom I was married, no other woman… well, just a few, but nothing serious. And you?”

“I’ve been in love with a married woman for the last three years. I haven’t heard about her for the last two. We had something brief and intense. I still haven’t recovered. It is pathetic”. 

“It’s not. Maybe you just don’t want to recover. Maybe you don’t want to let her go”.

“Just maybe, right? I know your shrink language. Can I still blame the universe?”

“Oh… sure! It is all the universe fault! No doubt about that! But what if the universe is putting some people in your way, people who could make you forget about her, and you just don’t even look around? Have you been with another woman after that?”

“Yes. Once.”

“And how was it?”

“It was ok. I did it just to experiment. I thought I would have this revelation. That after that I would know for sure why I’ve never been a relationship with a guy, but it was just ok… I felt as disconnected as I feel when I go out with a guy I meet on tinder… I separate, you know? With some people it is just sex and I never open my heart, and eventually it gets boring and with other people is just my heart, with no sex. Usually I feel in love with someone I can’t have, so it is just this silly platonic love.”

“And do you still feel attracted to guys?”

“Yes… But now I want to date women. I went on a date with a woman last month.”

“How was it?”

“It was ok… but nothing happened.”

“Not even a kiss?”

“No… I hate dates.”

“Why?”

“I get too uncomfortable. I feel like I’m being evaluated and I can’t be spontaneous. And I never know if the person is really interested in me.”

“Don’t you love the flirting in the beginning?”

“No! I wish I could skip it. Fast forward this part.”

“I think this part is great. We never know if the person is feeling the same and we try to read the signs and we try to give some signs too. The whole say YES when the other says YES that is so hard to find.”

“I never know for sure. Sometimes the YES is so clear and I still have doubts. And when I decide – it is a YES, I’m still scared that if when I finally say the YES the person will have changed their mind.”

“We can never know for sure. The person can always change their mind.”

“That’s terrifying.”

We finally got to my place. She got out of the car in awe. 

“It is so peaceful and beautiful. It suits you”. She smiled and winked at me.

Yeah, that’s terrifying.


	8. Let's sleep a movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therese and Gen get to the house and spend some time together.

"Ÿour place is really beautiful, Therese"

"Thanks"

"Do you mind if I take a nap? I got so sleepy after lunch… it can be here, in the floor”

"No, I have the perfect place. Let me open this".

I thought it was odd, but I loved how she could make herself comfortable in my presence and in my house. “You must be thinking I’m so weird, hum? Asking to take a nap as soon as I get here…”

“How about we sleep a movie? A friend of mine says that when we go see a movie but we are too tired and we know we are gonna end up falling asleep.”  


“Sleep a movie sounds nice”

So, I’ve opened my sofa bed (that now is in the second bedroom and the living room is almost empty), then I glued cardboard in the window (I still don’t have curtains) and I projected a movie that I love in the wall (Samba, 2014). She laid beside me and napped for a few minutes.

When she woke up, she said the movie seemed great and I started the movie again. So we watched it, and laughed and cried. It is a great movie. Then, she got a little quiet.

I put some music to play. I set list that I had chosen for this occasion. With lots of The Cure songs. 

"Therese, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"Do you ever get lonely?"

"Well… I guess. Sometimes." 

She looked right inside my eyes. I thought she was reading my soul. 

"Why do you ask? Because I live here, outside the city?"

"Because you are not dating anyone and apparently aren't interested… in dating anyone"

"Oh… I..."

"It doesn't matter anyway, I've been dating a lot lately. I go out, sometimes have sex, get home and I'm still lonely."

And then she started crying. I didn’t know what to do… I wanted to hug her or something, but I couldn’t. So, I just listened. I felt I should have said or done more, but I couldn’t.

She wiped her eyes and smiled at me.

"Sorry about that. I'll go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

I just nodded. 

I think I was even more shy… stupid me, say something Therese!

"Spinning on that dizzy edge… I love this song!"  
"I know"

"It was great, Therese. Thanks for everything. It is getting late, maybe I should go. Can I ask a uber here?"

I just didn’t want it to finish in this point, I wanted more time with her. I had a feeling that if it ended there, that would be it. She wouldn’t want to see me again. I don’t know where those feelings come from. I just always have this "all or nothing" way of seeing things.

"Oh, I can take you to your place… but, how about you sleep here? I mean… you already slept a little bit. this sofa bed is comfortable, isn't it?"

"Oh, I don't know… I have to feed my cat. I found this cat yesterday, I can't keep it actually. Don't you want to adopt it? Oh, you should, he is so cute. Let me show you"

She showed me a picture of the cat in her phone.

"He was so fragile when I found him, poor thing. I took him home, my roommate didn't mind, but pets are not allowed in the building I live. It is awful. Don't you want him?"

"I'm not sure… I travel a lot. It is complicated to have this responsibility"

"Please, think about it. I promise I will come take care of him when you travel"

I smiled.

"I'll think about it… Can't you roommate feed him now?"

"I will try to call her… If I sleep here, can we go to the waterfalls tomorrow?"

"Sure! That's why I asked"

She took her phone and called her roommate. She went outside to talk to her.

"Ok, she will feed him. I'll stay"

I got really excited with the news. And really nervous too.

"Can I take a shower?"

"Sure. I'll get you a towel"

Gen appeared in the middle of my living room wrapped in a towel. 

"Do you have an old t-shirt that I can borrow?"

"I'll get one"

Then, I took a shower too. 

I layed down on the sofa bed with her again.

So, we continued talking about life, music, films, relationships…

“I feel like I could talk to you all night, but don’t you think we should go to sleep? Aren’t you tired?”

I was trying to find the courage to do something. I just had this urgency. I thought it was my last chance. And then I did the worst. I actually gave her a practical example of what I had told her about my strategies to push people away. I just couldn’t help it. I seriously thought it was a good idea. 

“I feel like I must tell you something. It is just… I’m gonna tell you and you decide what you want to do with that. No expectations. I just feel like I should say it to you”

“Ok…”

“When I saw you last Saturday I was feeling insecure because I had just started dating again and I had gone out with the girl I told you about and I felt a bit rejected.” 

“I understand the feeling. I sometimes feel this vulnerable too”

“Yeah. And I saw you. And I was feeling vulnerable. And I knew I didn’t like the girl, it wasn’t about her. It was about me finally opening myself again. And I looked at you and I felt something.”

“You felt something…”

“Yeah… and then I went to talk to you. And you said you would like to come visit me and everything happened so fast. I was gonna send you a message, but I got shy and then you sent me at the same time! And I thought it was so magical. And now you are here… everything happened so fast. I didn’t have the time to create a character to make you fit in, you know? I feel like it is real. It is not just a platonic projection of mine.”

And I notice she was making this worried face. “And now I feel like I’m putting all this pressure on you. I shouldn’t have said anything”

“Well yeah… a little bit”

She came closer. “I felt it” 

Her head was so close to my pillow, her lips were getting closer. I could feel her breath. I looked at her eyes, then at her lips, then at her eyes again. I could just close the distance. I was waiting for her.

She didn't. 

“What did you say? You felt it too?”

“I mean I noticed what you felt, there, when you came to talk to me”

“Oh. But you didn’t feel the same”

“I did. No. I mean. I felt a tenderness towards you. I wanted to come closer to you. I felt something warm and I wanted to be your friend”

“Ok, just a friend.”

“No, I actually wanted to ask you on a date, I told Tommy that.

“You told Tommy?”

“Yeah… I was telling him that I like girls too and I told him I was attracted to you. You know, I met him the other day… I was thinking about going on a date with him. Actually I did. We got together. I don’t know if we are going out again. I don’t think so…"

She just started babbling… And yes, she had gone out with Tommy! I just knew it. He is quick.

She finally stopped talking “I think now is a good time for us to go to sleep, I’m gonna sleep and figure out what I’m gonna do about what you just told me, ok?”

“OK. Good night”

I went to my bedroom and I was in this inner turmoil. I just couldn’t sleep. My heart was going out of chest. 

She wanted me, it was real. I wasn't imagining. 

But she changed her mind.


End file.
